dA journal 10/12, 4am
bad bad, everything is bad. Lily bad. cat bad. andrew bad. mom bad. me bad. bad bad bad
i just want it to stop. i need someone to amke it stop.why doesn't it ever stop.
can't sleep, eat. drugs won't work. can't tell anyone how i feel. either they don't care or they're sick of my bitching. no on e to even think of calling in the middle of the night. it's always worst then. now.
drawn to a scary man. Flirts with me nonstop just wants a frau and plow. satanist, liked killing in iraq, liar, hates women, psycho psycho. so desperate, i just want him to hold me. i fantasize about it and it scares me. should i let him fuck me just to be held afterward? i always did that in high school and college. it would so blow up in my face. if i led him on and denied him, i think he would rape me. then hopefully kill me. why doesn't that scare me?
i want off the lamictal. it hurts more than it helps. why did i let that asshole put me on antipsychotics? i was so much better before. not for lily, but for myself. i let him put me on for lily. then changed drugs for lily. always complaining and taking away herself if i don't act exactly as she wants. i fucked up all my life for lily. she doesn't deserve me.
i need someone to tell me i'm not bad. that i don't have to hide myself, that i'm worth the air i breathe just the way i am. i don't want to have to hide, or hide my friends from her, hide my religious practices, hide my political leanings. so fucking sick of being judged. of being kept around for convenience then told i'm so fucking bad as a friend. talked about getting thrown away. of always having to bethe one to apoologize, let things go, take it on the chin. pretend. hide my feelings. this isn't a relationship. this is sick and sad and poisonous. this is why i want to die.
it wouldn't be fair to that guy to use him to fill what lily can't. what my friends can't. it wouldn't be fair to me to let myself be used as a cumdumpster. i'd hurt myself more in the end. it would destroy me as surely as staying friends with her. i'd lose my new friends, too. they accept me for who i am. at least steven does. though they visibly sicken at the thought of what's between my legs. Like that makes me like myself more.
andrew's birthday is next sunday. i am shaken to my core at the thought of what i must do. imust visit his grave, make the pilgrimage. i don't want to do it alone, but there's no one to go with me that will be any comfort, that can take the pain that i will spill out. no one i am willing to let see me in that condition. i will sob desperately, letting out all the pain of 26 years. he'd be 33 now. i wondered if we'd grow up and fall in love, get married, have kids. if we'd had the chance.selfishly, i hope it doesn't rain. i hate lying in the mud. i'm too fucked up lately to take out my trash forget do my laundry.my clothes stink. i can no longer take care of myself. i need someone to come help me take out my trash. vacuum. starting to not be able to take care of the cats. sigil and hannah can feel it. They are acting strange, frightened, not eating. clingy.
this has helped a little, i think. some of the anxiety is gone. a little. the sadness still sticks hard in my throat, but i can't cry. i twon't come out, just sticks in my throat like a ball so i can't swallow, can't eat, can't puke. please please, why can't the people who know me at my worst and still love me be here with me? why must they live on the other side of the world? why must they be dead? my grandmother died next february, 26 years also. the woman who raised me and my best friend, within 3 months of each other. 2 more deaths after that. my heart died that year. i only feel the rot now. the stench makes me want to run out of my body. run away into the cold bay. run my blood onto the walls. hang my breath in the hallway. its all going wrong. friends dying all around me. frienships dying all around me. no one to lean on but people i pay to talk to. how fucking pathetic a life is that.
money money money. fuck money. fuck the holidays. i hate them. i can't wait for them to be over. such stress, frustrated expectations. no one wants to see me then everyone wants me on the same day and gets pissed. i'm several people but all in one body. no. cat and alien are gone now, drugged away. i'm alone in here. no one sane to talk for me, be me! can't feed myself, lsoing weight from not eating but getting complimented, saving to buy presents. who thought up this present thing, anyway? fucker. i hate christmas. i'm not even christian. i'm not wiccan. Yule and xmas can fuck themselves.
i need help. ii need to be in the hospital. not 3 days emergency but much longer. long enough for this life to go away. money money, can't run away without money. i'd be gone in 60 seconds. take my cats, clothes, drugs, computer. and just run away. start again, all alone. hide nothing now. only make friends who don't judge me, try to change me. get away from her using me, abusing me, teling me i'm bad. bad for havin g my feelings.
bang bang. plop down the money. live free and die. god i love nh. a present to myself. merry christmas to all, and to all a good night!

help me