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About Deviant hisses at the daylightFemale/United States Recent Activity
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I miss Mike.  I miss Mike.  I miss Mike.  I miss Mike.

I did some visualizations yesterday that have helped me in the past get rid of unwanted/unpleasant feelings.  I sit by the river and envision the feeling leaving me, floating down to a leaf, and floating away down the river.  Wow, did it fucking work!  I envisioned little red blobules of love leaving my chest and floating away on leaves, and I felt relief!  The pain of having feelings for Mike and being kicked to the curb subsided.

But today I tried to remember what it feels like to be happy, and I can't remember, not on purpose.  It's like a security door slams shut inside me.  But I feel sad.  Sad and scared and tired.  No music can comfort me.

I still insist it's better to have never loved at all.
Got up to hand in my therapy application and pick up my new med, got a little food, the spent all day trying to talk electronically with many people to get a little support.  I got through to a few eventually.  Not one conversation ended in a good feeling, half in bad feelings.  Ok feelings from my visit with my mom yesterday were erased when I got home and found an email I hadn't seen, written extremely formally, saying that my dog is not welcome at her vacation home.  I responded that that would massively reduce my visits there, because I'm not going to go leaving my 13 year old dog that I just traumatized alone all day on a regular bases. 

A trip to liquor store would have ended much better, especially since I was guzzling Xanax last night.  Finally felt a relief from pain!  fucking god
I just discovered that I can eat a FUCK TON of xanax and valium and not die. I didn't even fall asleep, in fact. Lame.
So, yeah, tried to kill myself a couple weeks ago.  Best effort yet.  I'm pretty much blacked out of when I texted my friend for help.  Spent 10 days in a psych ward.  I fucking loved having no contact with friends, family, phone, internet, my pets, my car, my dirty apartment, my sketchy neighborhood.  No chores gnawing away at my subconscious as I sit in front of a computer or behind a book trying to ignore it all. 

And everyone there was in the same boat, so they all understood without words, without having to explain everything to everyone over and over.  No judgment.  Sympathetic nurses 24/7 available to talk.  Not a lot of ways to harm myself.  And my roommates were awesome company.  Just sitting on my bed reading the book, "Alcoholics Anonymous," while Kristina slept off her pain meds filled me with peace.  Actual PEACE!

I so dreaded coming back here, and now that I'm here, I'm miserable again.  I'm even ungrateful that my mom bought me a portable air conditioner unit when she could have given me the money toward my clutch repair, and I feel like a turd. 

Everything here pulls me down when it reminds me of all the shit that's been going on that made me want to die.  I CAN'T ESCAPE IT!  Online I can cut out almost all connections, but not in real life!  Not when I drive by the therapy place that ditched me.  Not when I drive by the shrink's office, the one who just looked over my prescriptions from the ward's Dr. and didn't even ask ONE question about what happened or how I was feeling.  Oh, yeah, if I get a new therapist, I'm getting a new shrink.  Fuck him.

I want to start all over again with just what I can fit in my car and the smallest U-haul truck they have.  I bet I could get rid of 75% of the shit I have and never miss it (not counting furniture, though I want that couch and all but one of my aquariums to get the fuck out of here asap.) 

Then I'd go to another town somewhere between ManchVegas and Raymond.  I'd only be leaving one friend behind, to tell you the truth - the one who saved my life.  I'd get an airy and open apartment, freshly painted all white.  It would still have to be one bedroom, but that doesn't mean the rooms can't be really big with lots of windows.  It would be probably a duplex, maybe a fairly-new mother-in-law's apartment built onto a private house.  That way they'd be all too glad for the pitiful amount Section 8 will allow maximum for my rent with heat and hot water, because it will almost cover their own mortgage (the reason I really can't move out of here after my rent staying stagnant for 8 years is rent prices went way up while my allowance did not.)

But this is pretend time.  The street would be quiet, residential homes, mostly Capes, just like the one Julie lived in a couple years ago.  It would have a lot of old trees lining the streets and not a ton of hills - definitely no mosquito-generating swamps.  The neighbors would be friendly but not nosey, have nice cars and nicely-landscaped and cared-for yards.  No barking dogs.

The landlords would give me absolute privacy with my private side yard, which I'd fence in for Sylvie to be able to hang out without being leashed every second.  I'd have a safe place for my lilac tree, and I could plant my gold cherry tomatoes in my buckets like usual.

I would only be 20 minutes from Jamie and Erich.  I'd also be only 20 minutes from Carmella and the new Manchester-area friends I made in the psych ward the past couple of weeks.  It would also be much more convenient for Jeff to drop by once in a while.  Then I wouldn't feel alone.  No, then I wouldn't always BE alone.

I thought writing this would make me feel better.  I guess playing pretend took some of the sadness away so that I'm not almost crying, just a lump in my throat now.  And texting Michele to ask how her vacation's going.  But as soon as I look away from the computer, I see the clutter around me, the unswept floors, the dark floor that badly needs refinishing, the pulled curtains, because every window looks out on somewhere public.  And everywhere - EVERYWHERE - there is a pet begging for or needing attention when I'm supposed to be paying attention to MYSELF right now.

In town, I see everybody with someone else.  God, I dread seeing Mike with his new someone else.  I've used up this town as Dawn did, and there's no one left here that would even have me as a fuck friend, forget a girlfriend.  Stephen King wrote this town.  Too bad I can't make it go away by just closing the cover.

deviantID

suedonym
hisses at the daylight
United States
Current Residence: Seacoast New Hampshire, USA
Favourite genre of music: industrial metal, electro-industrial, EBM, goth metal, futurepop, dark cabaret
Favourite style of art: photography
Favourite cartoon character: Invader Zim, Foamy, The Tick
Personal Quote: Having sated my lust for the beating hearts of human foeti, I now go off to stomp some kittens.
Interests
I feel like a worthless, useless piece of human shit, because I can't get anything done, and when I can, I can't do it right.

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:iconkyler47:
KyleR47 Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Thanks for the llama :love:
Reply
:iconsunshinegypsy:
sunshinegypsy Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012  Professional Writer
I FOUND YOU!
Reply
:iconverulka:
verulka Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2011  Professional Artisan Crafter
Thank you very much for the fave!
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:iconkelpie77:
Kelpie77 Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for the fave :)
Reply
:iconsandrahultsved:
SandraHultsved Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2011  Professional Traditional Artist
Thank you so much for watching:aww:
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:iconcarlcom66:
carlcom66 Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2011  Professional General Artist
thanks for the :llama: :)
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:iconsuedonym:
suedonym Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2011
:thumbsup::)
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:iconrotten-alice:
Rotten-Alice Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011
Thanks so much for the watch!
Reply
:iconlabyrinthcreations:
LabyrinthCreations Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2011
and thanks for adding "attic friend" to your instructional collection! :)
Reply
:iconsuedonym:
suedonym Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2011
Yeah, those things were freaking awesome! Too bad those skeletons are about $100. But maybe I can do that with a fake skull next halloween - put it on a post. :devil:
Reply
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